May 13, 2003

the little things we miss

I about shot myself tonight. Not literally, of course, but I was sooooo bored. I wanted to do something, but could find nothing to do.

I tried reading, but I just could not focus. I tried to use the internet, but after about 5 min. I was done, nothing else to do after you check your email, and all the pages on the blogosphere.

I found myself missing my setup in Pana (not pana, mind you, just my setup there. God forbid that I miss Pana) I used to spend all my time in the church, I had plenty of room to practice kung fu, or watch a movie, or surf the internet, or read a book, or do school (haha), or whatever. I could go outside without fear of attracting attention of the cops and getting arrested. I had a gas station next door, and a wal-mart across the street. It was a nice setup. Now, I have none of those things. I have nice setup here, and I am eternally gratefull to my brother for putting up with my presence in his humble abode, but it aint my scene, I just take up space. I need room, and people, or room to do what I want without people watching. Sometimes I just feel restless, I don't even wanna leave work. Just stay there in the parking lot and talk all night (which I have almost done on several occassions with several people at work). I miss my latenight discussions with my mother after work, I miss my after church talks with my father, I miss the prairie (not the prairie in general, the specific place in pana) I just don't feel at home here sometimes. At times like this, I wonder if I don't miss Pana, but then I realize, I would never want to go back. It is certain. I don't miss the place, I miss some of the things I had there that I don't have here. Mainly the room. I don't feel at home here, but I didn't there either. I can't wait until I graduate, maybe then I will feel different, or maybe it will come next week. Who knows, with feelings it comes and goes.

ok I am starting to just babble now. I don't even know what I am saying.


Posted by GodzScout at May 13, 2003 11:49 PM

You can always call me up! I enjoy talking to you. You know I'm up somewhat late most nights.

Posted by: Julie at May 14, 2003 04:46 PM

The funny thing is I feel at home, truly for the first time. It was a realization that occurred a year ago. Growing up I always felt like I was anticipating something, that now wasn't yet the place to feel comfortable. Arlignton with Northside and the Girls was the last time I truly enjoyed where I lived before coming to Saint Louis. For me, it has much to do with whome I know. You could say that I have found my homely house, like Imladris. In time you will find your own.

Posted by: Jason Wall at May 15, 2003 01:36 PM